March 22, 2020

Taking stock after nearly a month of isolation. My last social activities were on the first weekend of this month. I got together with some neighborhood friends for a musical jam on Feb 29 and then joined a neighborhood singing group on Mar 1. I went to the supermarket on Mar 2, voted on Mar 3, and went to the supermarket again on Mar 9. I took a short walk yesterday. Other than that I’ve been in my house the whole month. I’m over the initial wave of panic that shook me from the 12th through the 15th, and am starting to settle into life in my little cocoon. I picked my exercise routine up again this morning for the first time after completely exhausting myself with frantic calisthenics on the 12th.

In some ways, not much has changed in my life yet: I’ve been working from home and practicing my other pursuits largely at home for years. Now I’m just spending more time in that same familiar place. But it all feels different when you’re trapped there; when you don’t know when you’ll be able to see friends and family again; when you don’t know if you or someone you love might get sick; when the world is collapsing around you.

I’ve heard some people joking that for introverts, “social distancing” is a way of life whether there’s a pandemic or not. But as an introvert, I can say that nothing about today’s requirement for social distancing feels comfortable or natural. I may not want to socialize as often, or for as long as an extrovert would, but socializing is just as important to me.

I’ve been washing my hands so much that the skin around my knuckles is getting red and cracked. Perhaps all this washing is overkill because I’m not going out, so presumably my chances of having the virus on my hands are slim, but I’m still receiving packages, and handling the things from inside the packages, and with reports that the virus can live on surfaces for several days, I find it hard to judge the right level of precaution. There are articles that say you can’t get coronavirus from a package and other articles that say the virus can live on cardboard for a day and plastic for three days. As for my skin, I was going to order some moisturizer but I remembered I have two jars of coconut oil in the cupboard so I started using that and it’s helping.

I think I’ve gotten pretty good at not touching my face. When I don’t rub my eyes at all throughout the day, they feel dry and start stinging, and there can be an accumulation of goop. Showering in the morning is now the one time I really touch my face and that has become such a highly anticipated and relieving moment.

My meals these days are made from the ingredients I can order. It feels lazy to click some buttons online and have food brought to my door, but I feel better about it than I do about going to a crowded store, being closer than six feet from other shoppers and wondering what I might be inhaling.

Not everything can be ordered. It’s probably impossible to order a large sack of rice right now. I tried ordering a package of soap bars but the order was cancelled due to supply issues. Ditto with Tylenol.

I did have the foresight to place a large order of dried beans at the beginning of the month. And a few days ago I received 10lb bags of amaranth, lentils, split peas, and farro. And yesterday I ordered a 23lb bucket of rolled oats and a 32lb bucket of teff (indeed, all the rice buckets were sold out). I suppose cooking is one of the few things about the pandemic that I actually feel prepared for. I love lentils, grains, and beans, and now is the time to savor them. While I’ve always tried to buy staples in bulk as opposed to in little plastic bags, I haven’t always been consistent about it; now I’m finally doing it.

I’m running through paper towels like crazy with all the washing and hand-drying I’m doing, so I ordered 100 cheap cotton handkerchiefs and I’m planning to use them instead of paper towels from now on.

In my household, in normal times, having avocado toast for dinner would probably be considered as just a little bit of a disappointment; the kind of dinner you make when you’re in a rush, not as satisfying as cooking a full or “proper” meal, and not as fun as going out. But my partner and I had avocado toast for dinner the other day, and I wondered if we might look back on that meal as a rare luxury. The avocado came from Mexico. Are we really going to keep being able to get these delivered to our doorstep as the world shuts down? The Mestemacher rye bread came from Germany. It comes in sealed plastic bag and it has a long shelf life, so you can keep it in the cupboard for times when you’re out of fresh bread. It’s a good staple for a pandemic. But it’s selling out — last time I tried to order it, only one bag was available. The tomatoes came from Backyard Farms in Maine. They’re fresh produce and I didn’t know who handled them so I washed each one with soap. We added some mashed yam to our avocado toast. I’m not sure where the yam came from but apparently lots of US yams are from Louisiana. How easy is going to be to have yams magically appear on our doorstep as the pandemic continues? We added garlic powder, salt, sesame seeds, poppy seeds, and dried onion flakes. It won’t take long to run out of all these things. Our humble avocado toast just might be one of the more extravagant and widely-sourced dinners we eat in long time. Or it might not. Perhaps the food supply chain will keep humming along as everything else shuts down, and all these ingredients will remain easy to get. Who knows what’s going to happen?

I spent an hour today putting together my next large grocery order. When I was ready to checkout, the system asked me to select a delivery date before I could continue. There were two delivery options: 1) Today: NOT AVAILABLE, and 2) Tomorrow: NOT AVAILABLE. Since I couldn’t select either of the options, I couldn’t continue. Dead end.

In a way it’s kind of refreshing for the system that promised us unlimited options, unlimited convenience, immediate gratification to break a little bit and let us feel what it’s like to not be able to click some buttons and promptly get what we want. Musing on this for a few moments, I was about to abandon my order but I decided to refresh the webpage, and when I did that, a new delivery window appeared like magic in place of “Today: NOT AVAILABLE.” Now it said “Today: 6-8pm.” So I selected that and my order showed up in two hours. And there I was in my kitchen, washing the tomatoes and rutabaga and bottles of kefir with soapy water.

My soundtrack these days has alternated between news and Gregorian chant. I’d probably be happier if I just stuck with Gregorian chant.

My neighbor, a retired cop, was out on his deck today playing soft rock on the radio, grilling, and chilling. He has a bubble machine that he likes to bring out. I could see the bubbles floating over to my deck, some of them even bursting against my window. It occurred to me that bubbles are made of soap and soap “kills” the virus. It actually breaks the components of the virus apart. So maybe if every person on the planet got a bubble machine and we all just blasted bubbles out in every direction for a few days, carrying our bubble machines with us wherever we went, maybe that would end the pandemic? Well, I can dream.



March 15, 2020

I got a good night’s sleep but I felt my anxiety returning this morning. I did some deep breathing and it helped. The key, I think, is to be conscious of the inhale and exhale, to make them slow and smooth, and to let the inhale fill the belly. It’s easy to believe you’re doing that when you’re not. In the past few days I’ve tried to use deep breathing to calm down, and it seemed not to make much of a difference. Why? Isn’t deep breathing supposed to be the most effective thing you can do for stress? I was probably too agitated to realize that my “deep breathing” consisted of shallow inhales and quick exhales. I was making enough noise to give the impression that I was doing something deliberate, when I was really just expressing panic through my breath. This morning I found it easier to concentrate on my breathing, slow it down and make it smooth, and I experienced a more calming effect from it. It works if you really do it.

I came up with a meditative exercise for this time of social distancing that completely changed my mood. Here’s how I would teach it to someone else: stand up straight. Notice your posture and adjust it until you’re standing up with comfort and confidence. Focus on your breathing and make it slow, smooth, deep. Close your eyes and reach your hands out to your side as though you were holding hands with a circle of people who you care about. There’s one person on your left and one on your right. Feel the warmth of their hands. Concentrate on this warmth until your hands feel warm too. Imagine different people from your life entering the circle. Imagine everyone is singing the same note in unison. Or imagine everyone is joining in an affirmation: “We’ll get through this together.”

I cried at the end of that. I did some singing practice against a drone, and it helped too. I have an Indian digital “tanpura box.” I switched it on for the first time in a while, and I just held a steady C against its C. I could hear my pulse in my voice.

Another thing that helped today was to think about adaptive perspectives, ways of looking at the situation that make it easier to cope. One of the most paralyzing aspects of the current situation is its novelty. Most of us have never experienced anything like this and never expected we would. There’s a tendency to think it’s somehow wrong or unfair, that it “shouldn’t” be happening, or that it wasn’t “supposed to happen.” Reality itself seems like it’s gone off course, and we want to steer it back to where it was. But resistance makes it harder to move forward. I actually find some comfort in the thought that pandemics aren’t novel. They’ve been happening throughout human history. The first recorded one happened in 430 B.C. Skipping ahead, the sixth cholera pandemic started in 1910, followed by the flu pandemic of 1918. There were other major flu pandemics in 1956 and 1960 and of course there’s the ongoing AIDS pandemic. I’m leaving out H1N1, SARS, MERS, Ebola, and so on. And there are enough viruses out there to cause pandemics for the indefinite future. So although coronavirus is turning our lives, and our expectations about life upside down, this is far from the first time people have gone through something like this. The headline of the Seattle Daily Times on Oct. 5, 1918 blared “Churches, Schools, Shows Closed: Epidemic puts ban on all public assemblies.” When we were born into this world, no one gave us a certificate saying that we’d never have to experience a pandemic. This too is a part of life for humans on this earth. I’m not sure how much comfort that will be if I or my loved ones get sick, but it’s at least comforting to me now as I read the current headlines and feel like the world is falling apart in a way that’s never happened before. Actually, this has happened before and will happen again.

One thing that compounds my anxiety about any situation is the expectation that I simply won’t be able to cope. But somewhere, sometime in the past few years, I heard it said that we often underestimate our ability to cope. We’re better at coping than we think. This observation stuck with me and has become one of the most useful items in my mental toolbox. Presented with a difficult situation, most people will find some way to deal with it. If you’re reading this now, it means that every challenge you faced in your life so far, you found some way to survive it. Every day, whether a pandemic is raging or not, brings a chance of death. But we should all assume we’ll find a way to get through this day, and the next, as we have so many days before. To reach this point, we’ve all demonstrated a capacity to deal with the unexpected, and we will again.

I’ll conclude with a photo. On 2/7 a friend of mine gave me an Amaryllis bulb. It came in a box with a plastic pot and some compressed soil. I followed the directions, adding water, planting the bulb, and waiting. By 2/23 it had done this. To take this photo, I put a piece of black cardboard behind the flower, adjusting the position so that the sun could still illuminate the petals from behind.









March 14, 2020

Since I started this blog in 2012 I’ve avoided a stream-of-consciousness style. I’ve tended to post here only when my thoughts on a topic are fully formed and I can present them concisely. But now, with the coronavirus pandemic shaking the world, and the imperative for “social distancing” keeping me from seeing friends in person, I’m looking for ways to feel, and be, more connected to the people I know, as well as to readers “out there” whom I’ve never met, so I’m going to experiment with a more personally exposed, informal style. Some posts like this one will have a date as their title and they’ll basically be personal journal entries that I’m making public. Here goes.

Thursday the 12th was the day when my mounting anxiety about the pandemic turned into full-scale panic, where I could feel myself physically trembling all the time. The thought of getting sick, or witnessing a loved one get sick. The thought of hospitals being overwhelmed, people dying without care. The bungling, confidence-busting response of the current administration. The unknown: when will this end? The thought of friends losing their livelihoods. Businesses going bankrupt. The thought of losing what I’ve invested over the years. The soul-crushing cancellations: concerts, festivals, plays shut down; museums closed; schools closed; sporting events called off. The confusion about how to respond, how to prepare. The fear of contagion: is it safe to go out? Do I need to wash everything that comes into the house?

I’m not someone who has frequent panic attacks but I’ve experienced them a few times in the past, so I’ve looked into strategies for diffusing them. On Thursday, as I was feeling a surge of adrenaline every few minutes, I tried to draw on the mental model of anxiety that I’ve gathered from a stress management class I took at the Benson Henry Institute at Mass General Hospital and from other material I’ve read about mindfulness and health:

Anxiety is energy. When I’m anxious, my body is giving me energy to respond to a perceived threat. My brain is keeping me fixated on the threat so I don’t get distracted from what I supposedly need to do: fight or flee. These automatic mental and physical processes are kicking in to help me escape a tiger that’s chasing me. These processes are “trying” to be helpful. Except it’s March 2020 and what I need to do is not run from a tiger but rather stay home, practice social distancing, cancel all my plans. The energy for fleeing a tiger doesn’t help with that.

So I had a bright idea. Why not do some exercise whenever that trembling, queasy sensation comes on? I started doing pushups and sit-ups to diffuse the anxious energy. Throughout my life I’ve taken long walks to relieve stress, but I had never done calisthenics for that particular purpose. It felt good. The relief was temporary though, and every hour I’d start to feel that tingling sensation on my skin again and my thoughts would return to catastrophes that might arise in the coming months. Cases doubling every six days. Not enough ventilators. Everything shut down. I’d do more pushups and sit-ups and squats and I’d feel better for a while. My stamina was great. I probably did more repetitions of each kind of exercise than I’d ever done before.

But I didn’t sleep well Thursday night. I was exhausted physically but my mind was still racing with the kind of fears that pandemics are so good at triggering. There were moments when I would stop trembling and could sense sleep coming on. It felt so gentle and good. I thought to myself, this is “sweet sleep” arriving, this is where the phrase comes from. Most nights I’m not aware of sleep’s onset, but Thursday night I could sense its blissful approach. I might liken it to a religious experience or to the very few times I’ve been on an opiate painkiller. A unifying calm would start to sweep over me, mollifying my agitated thoughts and making my muscles feel warm and loose. But then some kind of alarm in my mind would start ringing: you shouldn’t be sleeping now! Emergency! Then the soothing, enveloping blanket of sleep would abruptly withdraw, leaving me fully alert and focused on what might be the end of the world as I know it. So “sweet sleep” approached but never came.

Friday I was totally exhausted and more panicked than before. With no meetings on my calendar for the day and no urgent deadlines, I had trouble focusing on work. I kept turning to the news to try to make sense of the situation and figure out how I should respond. Reading articles online gave me something to do, and that felt better than being left with my own thoughts, but the articles were all horrifying, particularly anything written by or featuring a real epidemiologist, someone who studies pandemics for a living. These folks have done the math and you don’t want to hear the math.

I started feeling a mild burning sensation in my chest or lungs (I wasn’t sure how to locate it specifically) and when my partner mentioned, unprompted, that he was feeling something similar I began to wonder if both of us were experiencing the early symptoms of coronavirus. Checked my temperature. Normal. Felt I should try doing something productive so I started making an emergency checklist. What happens if I or someone close to me needs to go to the hospital in the coming months? How do we get there? What would I bring? What instructions would I leave for family and neighbors? I started making a supply checklist for the next few months. But it wasn’t a great idea to work on emergency preparedness while I was panicked and exhausted as it had a compounding effect on the panic.

The only time I’ve felt the same sense of dread at the possible impending collapse of the world was right after the 2016 election, but then it was about things that might possibly happen in the coming year, and now it’s about things that are happening at this moment: more than a hundred cases in my state of Massachusetts, some of those right here in Boston, and we’re told that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Dr. Fauci says the current numbers are like starlight – it’s not light from “now,” it’s light from however long ago it took to reach you. In other words, the cases we’re hearing about today are the ones that were created weeks ago; the number of cases today is larger by a possibly staggering amount.

I got decent sleep on Friday night, and today I’m feeling calmer. I wish I could report that some technique I had used on Thursday or Friday was particularly effective at getting through the panic. Every technique did something but nothing “cured” it.

The mental model of “anxiety as energy” is helpful, I think, as a way of separating the physical sensation from one’s ideas about the sensation. The feeling of anxiety means your body is trying to be helpful. It doesn’t mean you’re going to die. So when you feel the skin tingling, the tremor, the queasiness, don’t let it freak you out. Don’t let the sensation persuade you that something’s wrong with you, or that things are worse than they are. Helpful advice, yes, but it might not be enough to make the sensations stop — they might continue all day no matter how maturely or wisely you interpret them.

Exercise is effective, I think, but Thursday’s lesson was: don’t overdo it. In a state of extreme anxiety you might be tempted to exercise a lot more than you probably should, especially if it keeps bringing relief, but if you don’t get good sleep afterwards you’ll be doubly drained the next day. Moderation.

Deep breathing has been helpful over the past few days but at many times I’ve just been too agitated to stay focused on it. I wonder if I just needed to go through two days of shock and mental upheaval to get adjusted to a new normal. Today I puttered around and didn’t do much of anything. No shaking sensations.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in personal introspection when keeping a journal. I kept a private one from 1998 through 2010 and then it tapered off in the following years. One of the reasons I stopped is that I got tired of talking about myself to myself. Those kind of discussions can easily end up following anxieties down a rat hole. I’ll try to do something a little differently this time around and always mention a few simple things that made my day brighter, even if by just a little bit:

Oatmeal breakfast was comforting as usual.

Good weather, a few hours of sun.

Played a bit on my new instrument – a banjo — learning my first tune on it, “Shady Grove.”

Did some composting.

Took a look at our garden beds and thought about spring planting.

Wore more layers than I needed (it wasn’t particularly cold) and enjoyed the feeling of being bundled up.

Time with partner.