Diversions, Nonsense



While I was browsing the aisles of a used book store last Friday, my gaze fell upon the spine pictured above. With no disrespect to the author, I hope I may be forgiven for interpreting the title as Onions: Bearers of Meaning and believing for a moment that the book was really about the semantic potential of this indispensable vegetable. For no reason noble or worthwhile, I decided to devise a few titles for possible sequels to Onions: Bearers of Meaning. Here they are:

Shallots: Capsules of Signification

Pumpkins: Vessels of Erudition

Lima Beans: Agents of Reference

Eggplants: Envoys of Intellection

Potatoes: Canisters of Qualia

Brussels Sprouts: Vectors of Logicality

Peas: Pellets of Gravitas

Tomatoes: Conduits of Intention

Artichokes: Impresarios of Allusion

Radishes: Couriers of Denotation

Avocados: Vehicles of Symbolization

Carrots: Utensils of Argument

Parsnips: Virtuosos of Ratiocination

Cannellini Beans: Custodians of Discernment

Yams: Emissaries of Reason


Once again, it’s not April Fools’ Day

I seem to be trying to start a tradition of refuting April Fools’ Day each year, so here is my current effort:

The assumption that today is April Fools’ Day is widespread, but so is influenza, and neither are good. In fact, April Fools’ Day was officially cancelled in 12 AD by Emperor Augustus after he was presented with a bronze bust of himself blowing an ancient Roman form of bubble gum. He declared “Stultorum infinitus est numerus,” a phrase he obtained by typing “Latin phrases about fools” into Google. Since that time, all celebrations of April Fools’ Day on the first of the month have been illegitimate, although in modern times, a little-known UN resolution A/RES/66/2938 revived the holiday and moved it to April 2nd.

See also: It’s not April Fools’ Day and It’s really not April Fool’s Day